Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Hello, I haven't written anything in ages, so I have decided to write a new story ^^ I hope it is to your liking.




Chapter 1 - Waiting


Beep Beep Beep


The sunlight burned through my paper thin curtains. My eyelids opened slightly as I turned to face my alarm clock.


7:30am


Groaning, I sat up and flung my legs over the side of the bed. When I attempted to stand, my vision became blurry and I got hit with a dizzy spell, forcing me back onto my bed. Five minutes later, I tried getting up again. This time, I succeeded. I stumbled down the stairs and followed the scent of bacon into the kitchen.


"Hello, Kira" My mum greeted me.


"Morning" I grumbled, groggy.


Tickle, our tom cat brushed against my legs. A pat on the head and he purred in satisfaction. I rolled my eyes as my mum served up breakfast.


Breakfast was always eaten in silence.


I studied my mother as we ate. She always looked perfect all the time. Her blond hair was always arranged into a neat ponytail and her makeup highlighted her beauty. Unfortunately, I inherited my dad's unruly copper curls and freckles, that made my skin looked mottled with dirt.


God, how I missed him.


I remember the day of his death as if it were yesterday. Two years ago, Dad was supposed to pick me up after a detention, although I do not remember the reason.  He was involved in an accident. I was there when he was announced dead at the hospital.


My mum had been distant ever since. She still talked to me, but she never went out of her way to care for me
When my stomach was filled, I went to get ready for a special day at school. One that had everyone anxious- results day. Today was the day which determined what school I would attend for the next few years of my life.


I spent 10 minutes deciding on what to wear. I finally decided on a pair of jeans and a band t shirt. I tried to tame my curls, but to no avail. By 8:30am I was on my bike. Fifteen minutes later, the school came into view. Only then did butterflies formed in my stomach.


I parked my bike and sat on the grass. I decided to pull out my phone and have a poke around Facebook. Whilst I scrolled through statuses , the birds in the tree tweeted happily.


"Happy buggers" I muttered.


Facebook is full of false gits. I barely made it into the top class, and some of the geniuses of the year were complaining that the would fail. Gee, thanks for the reassurance...not. I rolled my eyes, an action I noticed that I was repeating often.


When I had enough, I looked at my watch. 8:59am. One minute to go. I joined the horde that was forming outside the doors.


9:00am- a bell rang and everyone hurried to the main hall to collect their results.





4 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing. You've got some lovely bones for a story. You know who your characters are and what the back story is.
    You need to work on slowing down and painting the picture. It feels very rushed. Remember to use ALL of your senses: colours, smells, sounds. Don't be afraid to nitpick your story. A few examples: why is she dizzy? Is this a normal occurrence? What colour are the curtains? How does the bacon smell: salty; tangy; sour because she's a vegetarian? What does the cat look like? Does the breakfast include more than just bacon?
    How did her Dad die? Was it a car accident where it wasn't his fault, or was it a work accident because he got rushed and careless?
    Don't just tell us that Mom is distant; show us.
    And finally: what did she ultimately do to her hair? Did she push it into a messy ponytail or did she brush it and leave it?
    Just a few small suggestions that will give your story extra oomph.

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  2. Thank you so much! I've been needing someone to give me pointers on how to improve ^.^

    ReplyDelete